PRO WRESTLING WORLD
Mall - Allentown, PA
August 9, 2015
Project Absurd visited the Allentown area of Pennsylvania to attend a concert in August 2015. We decided to see if there were any good antique stores to visit on the way home, and found the Merchants Square Mall. Looking through their site I noticed one of the stores was called Pro Wrestling World. I thought it looked like it might be a fun little shop to check out, expecting mostly new wrestling merchandise with maybe a handful of old stuff. The yellow text on the blue background on the Pro Wrestling World site gave me a headache, so I didn't look into it further. When we drove up to the mall, we saw a cheap sign stating the Sergeant Slaughter had been there the day before.
Holy crap! Maybe this place would be better than I expected. I mean, the cheap sign from 1972 was not a good... uh... sign, but the fact that a wrestling legend like Sergeant Slaughter had appeared there did give me some hope. Aside from the fact that I was a bit miffed that I missed seeing him by one day, I was still excited to visit the mall.
Upon entering the second floor of the mall, we saw the sign on top of this page. I soon found out that the sign did not lie. I was about to experience the best wrestling museum I had ever seen. Ok, so I had never seen any wrestling museum before this one. However, this one was spectacular. It was so spectacular that I have no choice but to do a movie-type dream sequence thing for the rest of this article and pretend I'm a wrestling announcer who is full of clichés.
Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you to the main event of the evening - a battle royal for the unified and undisputed World, Television, Intercontinental, Junior Heavyweight, X Division, International, U.S., Pure, Hardcore, Mid-Atlantic Heavyweight, Million Dollar, Internet, Cruiser Weight, Eastern States, European, Ring Warriors Bahamian and Brass Knuckle Championship... as well as the prestigious Jim Crockett Sr. Memorial Cup! This one is sure to be a barn burner!
Entering the ring first we have the orignal Four Horsemen - Ole and Arn Anderson, Tully Blanchard, and The Nature Boy Ric Flair! (click on any picture to see it full size)
The Horsemen are waiting in the ring like a bunch of rabid dogs, waiting to pounce on the next wrestler who enters the ring. That man just happens to be cowboy widowmaker Barry Windham!
Windham, showing that he has more guts than brains, attacks all of the Horsemen. Windham gets in a few blows before quickly becoming victim of the numbers game. Who will help him? Oh, yes! Just in time, coming to this very ring is none other than The American Dream Dusty Rhodes!
The Dream helps Windham and the two quickly start clubbering The Horsemen. The boos erupt from this capacity crowd as the anti-American Dream, The Russian Nightmare Nikita Koloff, hits the ring! He's a house of fire! With one clothesline he knocks Rhodes out of the ring!
What time is it? The wrestlers in the ring are about to be taken to the woodshed as Big Van Vader makes his way into the squared circle.
The Ullllllltimate Warrior sprints to ringside, jumps in the ring, and begins shaking the ropes! Vintage Warrior!
Oh my word! The Dragon Ricky Steamboat, Cowboy Bob Orton, Sergeant Slaughter and Rocker Marty Jannetty have made their way into the ring! This is turning into a pier six brawl!
Katy bar the door! Coming to the ring with his branding iron - directly from the Double Cross Ranch is the middle aged and crazy Terry Funk!
Oh my God! Terry Funk has started bashing Ric Flair in the head with his branding iron! Flair's face has now turned into the proverbial crimson mask! I hope the USA Network won't put that damn red X on the screen! Just when you think it can't get any worse, The Iron Sheik makes his way to ringside swinging his workout clubs, screaming "Iran Number One!" and spitting on the audience. He takes a bee line toward Sergeant Slaughter and tries to take him off of his vertical base.
Cowboy Bob Orton is in some trouble. After hitting several competitors with the cast on his arm, Ricky Steamboat has removed the cast and is now hitting Orton with it. Well, turn about is fair play, as they say. Running down to ring side to help out his partner is Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff!
A collective hush falls over The Madison Square Omni Dome as the Living Legend Bruno Sammartino makes his way to the ring!
Someone who is not impressed by the entrance of Sammartino is Hod Rod himself, Rowdy Roddy Piper! Piper stops Sammartino on the way to the ring and starts yelling at him, calling him an old man. Oh my word! A fan who obviously has more guts than brains takes a swing at Piper! Piper knocks the fan off his feet! Come on now! Give me a break! This fan doesn't know a wrist lock from a wrist watch and Piper is laying into him like he was a seasoned professional!
A contingent from that dusty old Bingo hall in Philadelphia, ECW, has now entered the ring. Spike Dudley, The Sandman, New Jack and homicidal, suicidal, genocidal maniac Sabu will certainly make this match a bit more Extreme!
Sabu brings a chair into the ring and hits his trademark triple-jump moonsault on Jannetty! Then on Orton! He tries it for a third time on Steamboat and... ohh, nobody home! Sabu went to the well once too often. Just when you think things can't get any more extreme in comes the hardcore icon Cactus Jack!
Cactus starts laying blows into Terry Funk. Funk swings wildly back when Cactus hits him with the Mandible Claw! Good night, Irene! Funk is fading fast. Funk's shoulders are on the mat. Referee Earl Alfonso starts counting him out. One, Two, and He Got Him! He Got Him! No, wait. He didn't. Not only did Funk kick out, but this is a battle royal. Pinfalls don't count. You have to throw your opponent over the top rope and both of his feet have to touch the floor for him to be eliminated. Oh, and here we go! Another group of wrestlers are now entering the ring! We see The Honky Tonk Man, Greg "The Hammer" Valentine and Moondog Rex!
Showing his intestinal fortitude. Moondog Rex quickly goes after Big Van Vader. Now, this very well be a case of having more guts than brains. Oh, yes, Vader quickly overpowers Rex and throws him out of the ring. It was a valiant effort none the less. Vader then turns his attention to Spike Dudley. Come on! He must be twice his size! Who will help him? Oh, yes! Just in time, coming to this very ring is none other than The American Dre.... no, as I understand it this is not The American Dream. This is none other than Whatever That Polka-Dotted Outfit Gimmick Was Called Dusty Rhodes! Just in time to save the day again!
Dusty moves around that ring better than any big man I've ever seen! Bionic elbow to Vader! Bionic elbow to Flair! Who can stop Dusty Rhodes? Oh no! Who is coming to the ring now but Abdullah The Butcher! And he brought his foreign object! The fork!
The Butcher has finally made his way into the ring and is forking the arm of Rhodes! Rhodes's arm looks like it went through the meat grinder. The Butcher hits Rhodes in the top of his head with the fork and Rhodes goes flying out of the ring! But coming to the ring now are new superstars Diesel and Razor Ramon along with Bret The Hitman Hart!
As soon as the three of them get into the ring Diesel and Razor start pounding on Hart! Who would've thought those two would be working together? Razor has a hold of Hart's tights while Diesel kicks him to the ground, removing his vertical base! Now we have some legends heading to the ring to show the youngsters how it is done! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Dominick Denucci, The Russian Bear Ivan Koloff and Superstar Billy Graham!
You can't get any more legendary than these guys! If there is a bigger legend in this industry I don't know who he is! Oh my word! Walking to the ring now is the 8th wonder of the world, Andre The Giant!
Andre The Giant has entered the ring and is cleaning house! He has thrown nearly all of the other competitors out of the ring! Who will have the unfortunate task of meeting this monster in the ring? Oh, it's the former rivals Bob Backlund and Superfly Jimmy Snuka!
As soon as these competitors enter the ring they are met by the 7 foot tall, 500 pound Andre The Giant! He quickly throws Backlund out of the ring and then starts to work on Snuka. We now have our final competitors in this match headed to the ring - Jerry The King Lawler, Mr. USA Tony Atlas and, coming straight from The Price Is Right studios, Ox Baker! I also see that some managers are making their way to ringside. We have Jim Cornette, Captain Lou Albano, and Classy Freddie Blassie!
Andre The Giant is not taking any prisoners! He is throwing wrestlers out of the ring as fast as they enter the squared circle! Andre The Giant has won! Who would've guessed that Andre The Giant would win a battle royal? Andre The Giant has won! Andre The Giant! Andre The Giant....
Ok, I'm back. Well, that was fun. Thank you for allowing me to return to my childhood for a little while and release of the old wrestling clichés that were hiding in my brain.
If you are a fan of old school wrestling and are in the Allentown, PA area I would definitely suggest going to the Pro Wrestling World museum and store. It will be well worth your time!