by Kelly

I recently picked up some old magazines at a flea market on the cheap. This one was pretty torn up, but still had lots of 70s goodness left in its pages. The main cover story - "25 new hairstyles and the latest makeup looks" - I am saving for a post unto itself. It's that good. (UPDATE 01/2008: ARTICLE IS THERE! CLICK THE LINK!) The only cover story you'll see included in this review is a picture from "Extra-special Casserole." I couldn't possibly cover every article, even though most of them deserved it. There is just so much more to be deconstructed in this magazine... the ads! Ads for products that no longer exist, ads for things that still exist but are fun to see as they looked in the 1970s. So many articles and ads. So much to get to... let's get started!

When I first saw this ad for Pssssst instant shampoo in a can I was under the impression it probably didn't exist anymore (though I know similar items do). I was wrong! The can may have changed, but you can still by Pssssst today! By the way - love this comment on the page I linked: "This stuff STINKS (literally)! If you use this product and then sweat, you smell like a dog that just got home from the groomer. I threw my can in the trash! -- Anonymous on June 25, 2007" So anyway, like, why is she naked up top just to dry shampoo her hair? By the way - those are marks on the magazine on both of her arms. She didn't have some weird disease (well, not that I'm aware of).

Ya know, call me Crazy, but I actually kind of like this outfit:

There's something so "Penny Lane" from Almost Famous about it! I have nothing to add really. Except that is some wicked dumb banter they put in that ad.

I have this obsession with retro appliances. Something about an avocado oven or an burnt-orange cooking range really gets me going. So when I saw this I was a very happy camper:


"Whirlpool - We believe quality can be beautiful." Well, why the hell not? Was there some sort of problem with this concept back then? But they're right - ain't she a beaut! Ah, the sheer yellowness of it! And fear not, there would be NO FINGERPRINTS messing up this lovely shade of goldenrod!

Who remembers Green Stamps?!

I do! I do! I remember these stamps (or something like them) being all over our house when I was a kid. On end-tables. In drawers. Some of them would get put into books, some would not. Now that I think about it I don't remember actually getting any of the gifts. Weird. For more about Green Stamps, see the Wiki article I just linked.

Take a look at The Best 1970s Kitchen EVER!!!!


I am so in love with that round window it isn't even funny. It's totally groovy in a far-out kinda way. AND THAT FLOOR!

CONGOLEUM! Did you read that? They had 38 shades of brown linoleum! Long live the 70s! Congoleum Corporation still exists. And the flooring on the front page of their website today is a little less...loud.

I could put up an argument about whether the po man's Kool-Aid is actually a "soft drink." But I won't bother. I just wanted to point out that the coupon is for seven cents off. And seven cents off not one, but two packages of drink mixes! Woohoo on triple coupon day!

Next up we have some ads for children's clothing.

Oh, I do remember the Buster Brown clothes we had to wear. They were a solid brand. Hearty clothes that didn't wear out easily. But WTF with that boy's outfit? His shirt is some sort of cryptogram involving vegetables and those pants are just shameful. I guess he was really into vegetables. That or they're growing Dad some pot in those, uh, pots. Yep, Buster Brown clothes are still manufactured today. UPDATE 11/04/2015: The Buster Brown clothing link I originally gave with this article is currently not working so I deleted it. The clothing still seems to be available around the internet, but I can no longer find an official website.

Carter's was another brand of kid's clothes that our mother's would collectively freak over. And they're still around today, too. I have to say the daisy outfit on the redhead is pretty cute. So, the pants are kinda daft - it's balanced out by the adorableness of the daisies. Look at the kid on the left coveting her ice cream! No one else gives a beaver damn - it's like they all have some gross flavor in their cones like pumpkin or something. But not her - either she loves pumpkin ice cream or she was the biatch that got Oreo Cookie flavor. I remember wearing unfortunate tops like the one she's got on, too. Dig the blonde's yellow socks and black shoes! Stryper's inspiration?!

How much shiz can YOU make with cheese?


Here, Kraft suggests that cheese goes with, well, just about everything! But what is this they are calling hor d'oeuvres?

Is that cheese or is it a brain? That is really scary. As is this Worst Dessert Idea Ever:

Yep, Kraft was so desperate for you to eat cheese they suggested you eat it on your cherry pie! Blarf!

More hip appliances:

Self-cleaning ovens. LOL

I am including this next ad because I don't think they make this frosting flavor at Betty Crocker anymore:

Did you know that olives are "the forgotten fruit?"

I didn't even realize they were a fruit. A closer look:

I don't forget olives. I leave them out on purpose! Olives are vile little things that taste like evil.

Let's hear it for Sears and Winnie The Pooh! And take a closer look at those clothes!

Those might be the worst pants I've ever seen. And apparently they are unisex!

Hey! An ad for one of my favorite movies I watched in elementary school!

Here we have an ad for Stouffers side dishes:

Oh. My. God. Just look at those souffle's!!! Especially the spinach one on the bottom right (watch for the last entry in this post for more about spinach souffle and the obvious horror of it's potential to collapse). Are these supposed to look appetizing?! Every one of these items looks seventeen kinds of awful. But, don't worry. If you're really hungry Good Housekeeping will teach you how to make...

...but I'm not gonna! Why? Because now we've come to a decorating article about carpeting! And I love me some 70s decor!

Such a lovely shade of green in that carpet. And wowza, that lamp!

Oh eyes! My eyes!

The carpet above is the most eye-burning, shaggiest shag carpet in the history of the universe. But... what...? It "picks up the mellow and variegated tones of the brick fireplace." They're calling this rug a mellow color. Whoa. Ya know, I really don't think it's necessary to pick up every color in the fireplace in your carpet. just so you know.

I like how this one talk about the carpets' "soil-concealing" qualities. Cause lord knows we don't want to clean the carpet! Conceal that soil, I say! They also say the pattern above is "traditionally patterned" and "early American." I can just imagine our forefathers lounging around on this seventies-yellow carpet drafting the Constitution, can't you?

What the hell is going on in this room?

Good Housekeeping, BAD color! Oh my god - so much green! The second part of the text in the last picture describes this room as having a "delicate color scheme." Oh my God. ARE THEY KIDDING? Did the brutal browns, oranges and yellows of the seventies leave everyone's eyes and perceptions warped? And that is the weirdest chair ever. Whose butt would fit on that?

Ugly curtains from hell with clashing ugly painting:

Moving away from 70s decor and back to ads... Richard is a dirtbag loser. He can't keep his clothes clean. His Mom is a dork. Richard "just grinds the dirt into his clothes." That sounds like fun for a balmy Saturday afternoon...

I googled "Carol Salzillo" and came up with one entry (googling Richard got me nothing). She helped compile a list of when to grow things... in Rhode Island. Same lady? Still helping her family play in the dirt? She and Richard had to be cooler than Tide portrayed them here.

Want to make a stupid outfit with watermelons all over it? Feel free!


Presto is still around, kids! Yay!

Now we're getting to the back of the magazine. You know, the spot where they have little black & white ads selling the stuff you really, really need.

Like this Needlepoint Schnauzer:

While you're working on your needlepoint schnauzer, you'll want to wear your Horsehead pendant, of course.

And when you're done with the needlepoint schnauzer, don't forget to order your rabbit meat!

And finally, what happens if the spinach souffle (see Stouffers ad waaay above) collapses?! Oh horrors!!! Don't worry, you'll be okay, as long as you're Sure!

(Posted 11/2007)