JUNE 2007

by Ham

In the first Childhood Drawings section, Kelly posted some great drawings made by her and her sister. In this second edition of what will probably become an ongoing series, I will post a series of my drawings from third grade. These all have the same kind of theme - there is a sentence written above the picture, describing what is in the picture. I'm guessing that my teacher gave us students the sentence (or at least part of the sentence) and then we had to draw a picture based on the sentence. These pictures are all ridiculously absurd, as you would expect from someone 8 years old. Also, you can see my odd sense of humor creeping in to many of these drawings. On most of them, I don't understand the humor at all. Even though I was the one who drew these things, I have no idea what I was thinking.

In the drawing above, "My sister is a good dancer.", a girl in a lovely blue dress, no neck (this becomes a theme), and an odd shaped nose doing the "cha cha cha". I think it looks more like the "I'm a little tea pot" dance, but I could be wrong. Also note that my teacher enjoyed this drawing so much that she gave it the rare green star.

In the following drawing, "The water in the brook is cold even in August.", we see a boy with a square torso and no neck sitting in a rather uncomfortable position while fishing. Not unlike Spider-Man, this boy is able to shoot a fishing line out of his hand. Somehow at the end of this fishing line an arrow has appeared, labeling the fish "Charlie Tuna". Also, the fish (the only colored object in this drawing) is wondering how he can survive in such cold temperatures. This is a good example of something that I probably found funny back then that just puzzles me now. This drawing was apparently not good enough to deserve a green star.

"The naughty boy stood in the corner." earned not one, but two rare green stars. The see-thru boy in the blue jumpsuit wonders what he did to deserve such a fate. Also, he is quite ambidextrous. With his left hand he writes "Dumb" on the wall, with his right hand he writes "Cool" on the wall, and with his mouth he writes "Half + Half".

I can't imagine why the teacher would give us this sentence - "The monkey made a sound like Ou Ou". Notice the absence of a monkey in this drawing. Perhaps I had trouble drawing monkeys. Perhaps that is also why this drawing did not earn a green star.

Here's another drawing where the subject is absent from the picture - "I went OOW! when I landed on the pitchfork.". I don't know, maybe I was trying to be clever by not drawing the rest of the person in this picture. More likely I was just being lazy. One has to wonder how this man ended up in this position. Did he fall from the second floor of the barn? I'm also not enjoying the thought of where that middle prong has landed. This also was good enough to earn the green star.

I'll include two drawings this time, both of which contain some of that "humor" that I just don't understand anymore. "Bert can blow the big horn." shows someone blowing a trumpet-like device into a fan. Huh? The fan is blowing and the person is blowing, but is that a joke? I have no idea.
"The wind whirls the leaves about." shows a person tripping while several purple leaves are flying around (about?). One is heavy enough to make a "klunk" sound when it hits his head. He is also quite proud of the fact that he caught one of the whirling leaves.

"Careless kids were running in the slippery street." contains my favorite bit of commentary. The driver of the car, who is shaped like the number 8, yells at the giddy green kid, "Move stuipid!". I wonder if he pronounced it "stuipid" as well. Mr. Green Jeans doesn't seem like he's "running" at all though, he looks as if he almost wants to get hit by the car.

Speaking of people getting hit by cars, these next two drawings have the same gruesome theme. "The accident happened on our street." features some poor kid, dressed in red, getting run over by a bright yellow school bus. You know this must've hurt, because it went "smoosh!". I enjoy the little "drawing within a drawing" of the bus, which says "Here we come" and "Us too".
In the second drawing, "Carlos was hurt in the car accident.", our blue wearing friend not only gets his body "smooshed" but his hair and nose get flattened as well. This also features the reappearance of the small bus on top stating, "Here we come again". The purple bus that runs over Carlos is apparently one of those new fangled buses that needs two drivers. Notice I had originally had the two drivers having a little conversation but decided to erase what they said. After hitting Carlos they both exclaim "My CAR!", while the driver in the front (or is it the back?) says, "I want black tires not red". I'm assuming the tires are red because of poor Carlos. I must've thought those comments a little too inappropriate to hand in to my third grade teacher (but the two dead kids were ok). Needless to say, these drawings did not receive green stars.

On a bit of a lighter side, these next two drawings include my mother and father. I'm sure they'd be happy to be drawn with such precision. In "Every Saturday I help my mother scrub the floor.", my mother has no neck, an extremely rectangular torso and a very lovely green outfit. Her arms look like she was in the middle of doing "the wave". She was also being quite bossy while me in my brown outfit am being quite a "smart-mouth".
In "Here is a nice warm blanket. papa said", my father is magically floating above my bed. As he straightens out the blanket, it makes a "SMAK!" noise when it hits my nose. My teacher must not have liked my depiction of my parents because neither of these drawings were graced with a green star.

These next four drawings feature former Yankees pitcher, Ron Guidry. Poor Ron had to deal with many problems in this game - he had the flowers on the mound, the airplane (or is it a car?) that almost hits him, having to pitch to "Ugly Aunt Smith", and the rain storm. Not only did I get some green stars for these drawings, but my teacher thought it necessary to make some grammar corrections on these pages.

"Bert moved the heavy stool and stood on it." is another one of those that I just don't understand, although my teacher liked it enough to give it a green star. Obviously (or not so obviously) that is supposed to be my version of Sesame Street's Bert. Now, why he is standing there wobbling on a skateboard and yelling "Ernie!" is beyond me. Maybe I thought a stool and a skateboard were the same thing. Who knows?

"The artist was drawing a picture of a sliegh and a reindeer." contains some very odd commentary. The painting is singing Jingle Bells, the artist is singing "Oh So Lo Me Oh", and his shirt states that "I (heart) NY but I am Chinese". Even though this makes no sense and is even a bit offensive my teacher still "liked my drawings" and gave me a green star.

This one, like the car drawings, is a bit gross. Actually it was a bit of a strange sentence to give to an 8 year old, "He was bleeding because a vien was cut below his knee.". Our blue friend, with his huge shoulder pads and short pants, has sliced open his knee while sitting on an enormous chair. Don't worry though. It doesn't hurt much, because he's wondering if the "facet" is leaking. Darn it! No green star for this one.

That sure is a lot of jelly.

"For supper we had turkey." contains some humor that I actually understand. I just didn't write the captions to be read from left to right. You start with the person his back to us (who has no hair on the back of his head for some reason) saying "Pass the turkey", then the clever trousers on the left says "I can't pick him up", pointing to his brother. The floating head in the middle does not find this very funny. My teacher, however, enjoyed this enough to give it a green star.

"Gather the leaves with a rake." reminds me of the Charlie Brown skit where he tries to kick Lucy's football. This pink-wearing girl with no nose raked a few leaves and put them on this huge mound of... something to trick this other kid.
In "Never, never play with fire." a mother with the craziest face I've ever seen stands on Junior's head to try and get him to stop playing with his friend, Fire. The commentary I erased from this page had Fire saying "Tag your it" and the boy with the crooked arm saying "Shucks" (I think). My teacher enjoyed both of these disturbing drawings enough to give them, you guessed it - green stars.

"Put the ice cube in the glass." falls into the "what was I thinking?" category. I have no idea why I decided to give a baby this task, or why someone is shouting at the baby when it dropped the ice cube. Oh well, at least it was good enough to get a green star.

These next three drawings have a Halloween theme. I don't know what was worse - making someone go "Eaa!" or making the door go "EEEEE". The second drawing does have a pretty scary room behind the door, with the flying ghost and the coffin labeled "Coffin".

These last two are my favorites, even though I only got a "C" on them. Or, is that a "C" for "Correct"? Anyway, these are possibly the coolest drawings of Paul Stanley I've ever seen. Forget about the cover of his first solo album or the Destroyer album cover, these round-headed, no-nosed Paul Stanleys deserve to be on the next piece of KISS merchandise. Perhaps a giant, door sized poster? Someone call Gene!

(Posted 6/2007)